i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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