totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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