There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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