once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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