So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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