just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
