I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
