Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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