why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
