saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
