Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
