I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
