hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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