She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
