I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
