If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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