When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
