woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
