i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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