I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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