Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
