whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
