Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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