Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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