is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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