I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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