I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
