I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
