Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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