It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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