my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
