im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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