Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
