Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
