I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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