it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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