I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
