I just pynch a tree in the face
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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