Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
