Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
