When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
