What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
