I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
