do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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