I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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