yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
