Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
