Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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