He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
