I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
