If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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